Pregnancy Week 18 – Starting To Enjoy It

My dear Button

I have really struggled recently to write about my pregnancy, about what’s going on in my body and about where we are in preparation for you.  It dawned on me last night that in a world of Swine Flu, Recession and other madness, I guess writing about how tired I’ve been or about the cot blanket I got for you just seems so self absorbed and yet I really want to tell you everything. So maybe that’s what I should do – write to you. So here goes.

I was very upset at work yesterday when someone commented “You don’t even look pregnant yet!” I know it’s silly, but I wish I had a big tummy already so that you could be as real to everyone else as you are to me.  I also really wish you’d move around more in there, so I’d know you’re okay! So far I’ve not felt you yet, and I’m trying not to be scared by that fact. I’m only 18 weeks and they say I should feel you between 16 and 20 weeks. I’m just being impatient, I know.

Now that the sickness has more or less passed and (although I still live off fruit and pita breads with melted cheese!) I am feeling much better, I have started to enjoy things a bit more. I’m still very tired and sleep all the time, and sometimes struggle to even make it through a whole day at work but I’m feeling so much better and really that’s been fantastic! Now I’m able to enjoy the planning for your arrival more, I’m just getting so excited about it.  I’ll be honest: I am terrified. I’m not even sure what of. I know I’ll look after you and I know you’ll be loved by Daddy and me, but I’m still scared.

It’s a big life change for us, but that’s okay – I’m looking forward to that part. I guess it’s just that you’re very permanent.  If you buy something you don’t like, you can give it back, even if it’s a house you don’t want anymore you can always sell it again. Marriages don’t even really seem to be forever anymore, even though they should be, but there really is nothing permanent in life anymore (and I’m not sure there ever really was!) But children… that’s permanent. Don’t misunderstand me Baby. I’m very, very happy that you’re joining our family. I just hope that I’m going to be good enough for you.

But back to enjoying it – every now and then I will have a thought or something will happen that just jolts my insides a little bit.  Like last week, I was trying to book a hotel room in Bath for Daddy and me in October so that we could show you to our friends there.  When doing the booking, it always asks for number of people in the room, and I entered 2 adults and quite naturally, 1 child.  Then I realised that I had just made my first ‘and child’ booking, and tears welled up in my eyes. It’s funny, when it comes to babies people always talk about all the firsts you experience with your baby, but no one ever talks about the huge list of ‘firsts’ before the baby is born!

A similar thing happened yesterday.  I received a letter in the mail from work saying thank you for my application for a place at the day nursery and that you’re now on the waiting list for January.  How amazing is that? Of course, I feel a bit sorry for you, not even born yet and on a waiting list already, but even so! I’ve put the letter on the fridge – our first official letter about you.

I have been given quite a few things for you already too.  You have a moses basket so you can sleep in our room for the first while.  You also have some brand new Winnie the Pooh bedding someone gave me. It’s really soft and lovely.  Someone gave me a lovely gold and cream cot duvet and curtain which I put through the washing machine as it was a bit dusty, but now it smells and looks great!

We are still trying to get the study turned in to a nursery, but it’s a slow process as it was also a bit of a storage room.  The house we’re in now you won’t remember later, but although it’s very nice and quite large, it has absolutely no storage space anywhere, so we’ve just left things we don’t use often in tubs and boxes, and well – they have to move now! I heard about someone who needed a computer desk and chair, so she came to collect those yesterday so at least there’ll be room for your cot now, once we get one! She a very sweet lady and gave us a cute little jersey for you as a thank you.  I know it’s a bit early to be getting the nursery ready, but really I’d rather do the ‘cleaning up and sorting out bit now’ before my tummy gets too big and makes it uncomfortable!

Well, Button, we’re slowly collecting things for you. You’ll be happy to know you have enough clothes for a few days and even nappies for the first two days or so, and you have somewhere to sleep, which I guess will be your main concern! Mommy’s old friend Tanya gave us a blue hippo for you to lie in your cot, and I’m going to get my old teddy bear fixed up so you can have that too.  Aunty Deshaine gave me a big Eeyore a few years ago to give to someone, but somehow I never have, so you can have that now too. I need to get my christening gown dry cleaned so you can wear that! Yours might not be the most luxurious or poshest nursery in the world, and you’re possibly the only baby ever to have two big shelves full of books in your room, but you’re going to be well looked after. Daddy and I will make sure of that.

Love you so much already, Mommy

P.S. I measured my tummy this morning and you must be growing in there because by my bellybutton my measurement is 112cm!