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I wrote this post a few days ago. Then I thought I sounded ‘sorry for myself’, so I rewrote it. Then I thought it sounded like I was fishing for compliments, so I rewrote it. Then I thought I was just being hard on myself. So I left it. Then I thought… you can see where this is going. I don’t think anything remains from my original outpouring, and the various bits have been rewritten so often now, but anyway – here goes.

I want to be better. I want to be a better mother, a better woman, a better wife. Probably not in that order. Maybe wife first, then mother, then woman will follow.

Or is it the other way round?

A better woman would make a better wife and mother. I should want to be better for myself, then I’ll be better for them too. Yes. That sounds right.

So, I want to be a better me. I don’t think there’s too much wrong with the me that I am. I’m not a bad person, per se. I’m just not great. I’m average. Totally run of the mill, normal. And that’s okay. But it’s not okay for me. I want to be more.

I want to be the woman I want my daughter to be.kyra watches me

Yesterday we were driving. A yawn overtook me so quickly, I just went with it. A nice wide mouth, sound effect accompanied yawn. I went with it, enjoyed it, and then looked towards Ameli, who was looking at me with those beautiful wide eyes. And I realised again that she learns everything from me right now. Every move, every word. How can I explain to her that we cover our mouths when we yawn, when she already knows that I don’t always?

And that’s just a yawn.

I want to teach her bigger things.

Imagination.

Social conscience.

Green living.

God.

Again, not in that order.

I need to figure out how to become the person I would like her to become.

Someone better than okay, better than average, better than normal.

Better than Me

7 Comments

A Better Woman

  1. I love this, and you are doing a great job. We grew up with my mum constantly telling us that if we did what our parents did we would be ok, but they weren’t perfect so nothing would make them happier if we improved on what they did! I think that my sister and I have always lived to that. To always do a little better than our parents, within work, home, and life in general and we are both trying to bring our children up that way.

    xx

  2. Just having that desire to teach your daughter those things makes a world of difference. I think it’s the people who don’t think about wanting to be better than have something to worry about.

  3. Hi, Luschka. Thank you so much for all your kind comments and for taking the time to check out my blog. It is sooo appreciated.

    Love your honesty in this post. I only had stepsons, but now have a 2 yr old Grandson and want so much for him. He watches me and Poppy like a hawk, so I know what you mean.

    I’m trying to teach him happiness. Find things that make him happy. So I would offer the same to you. Be happy. Find things to appreciate.

    I try, when I’m upset, to tell Santino I am upset, and why, but that I don’t like feeling that way so I’m going to find things to appreciate, which makes me always feel better.

    We never stop growing (I should know. I’m 52!) and there’s always room for better. But, we’re also pretty spectacular as we are right now.

    After all, look in your daughter’s eyes and see what you’ve already created!

  4. At first I thought it said ‘bitter’ instead of ‘better’! Motherhood is an awesome responsibility, often overwhelming. I hope my girls try to be a bit like me and a bit better than me. (and yes, a bit different, too) I am sure proud of them both.

  5. You are an AWESOME mom. Which you can tell just from this post. Maybe we don’t always cover our mouths when we yawn. Maybe we teach children things that aren’t true and should just relax and worry about the serious things. Like loving, and appreciating, feeling joy, enduring sorrow.

    Its been a pleasure walking beside you on this path called motherhood. I can’t wait until we are little old biddies sipping tea somewhere recalling the days our children were born – to their children.

  6. What lovely sentiments to want to be able to teach your daughter all the good in life. You must be a great mother or you wouldn’t even worry about such things.
    Dropped by from SITS.

  7. We all want to be a better woman, a better wife, a better mother. We all have those moments when we don’t feel good enough, worthy of the Gifts He has given – challenged with each passing day.

    Just let me say – I personally think you are doing a wonderful job; I KNOW you are an amazing woman and I KNOW you will teach Princess Kyra all of the important, necessary, loving, compassionate, God Fearing things she needs to know in order to be the woman we all want for her to be. Stand strong and know we’re all here to be your sounding block and to give you words of encouragement as you travel along this new Walk of Life!

    Oh yeah, and KNOW you are so very loved!

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