I find myself in a strange place today.
I am moody, irritable, annoyed. I’m annoyed at other people’s never ending problems, and annoyed that I have to hear them over and over again. I’m annoyed at having no plans for the evening, and no energy to make plans. I’m annoyed that the dishes haven’t been done, and that I’ve not done them. I feel generally scratchy and that irritates me. I don’t like feeling like this. I’m even annoyed that my baby seems to know when I raise a camera and try to record his/her kicks. Without fail, the only way to stop the baby kicking is to hit record on the camera. How can a child of mine be camera shy? You’ll have to get over that very quickly, Mommy’s baby!
I feel like time has stood still. On the one hand it’s almost hard to believe that we’re on the cusp of the 8th month of the year, and that I am 31 weeks and that this pregnancy is almost over, and on the other hand the last few weeks seem to have blurred in to one long, never ending day. I have 25 more work days left, working right up till almost 37 weeks, for financial reasons. I find the days very very long and find keeping motivated and enthusiastic, or even interested, very hard. By three in the afternoon I can barely keep my eyes open and making it to four or four-thirty is every day’s mission impossible.
I can’t wait to be on maternity leave, just so I can start focusing on the ‘other things’ that right now I can’t seem to focus on. Even Martin seems to more in to ‘nesting’ right now than I am. He even bought wood and tools today to finally sort out a bit of a cupboard for the baby’s room and has taken tomorrow off to sort out the remains of the study and complete the transformation to nursery!
At the same time, I’m half terrified of my maternity leave for two reasons. Firstly I have unpaid maternity leave and I have no idea where we are going to find the money to ‘live off’ – two salaries to one salary is quite a fall. Secondly, I don’t know what’s happening. My mom, dad and/or gran are meant to be here for the time around the birth, but at the moment there’s no certainty due to their personal circumstances, so I’m not sure who’ll be here for the birth/after the birth/a blessing ceremony. I feel totally frustrated by the inability to plan anything or to prepare myself for what’s coming, because I don’t know who’s going to be around and how much of myself I have to give to others during this time. I realise that sounds whiny, but there you have it.
Well it’s late and I’m tired, perhaps that’s why I am so cranky.
Tomorrow should be a better day – it’s Friday … that gives it a pretty good head start.