Dear Squidgy,
I haven’t written in a couple of weeks, because, honestly, there’s not been a huge amount to say. Now there’s so much to say I’m just a bit overwhelmed by it all, really.
I think I’ve decided in the last week that pregnancy is not for me. Obviously I’m thrilled to be having you, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, but pregnancy…. Nope. I suck at it.
I’ve experienced something over the last few weeks I’ve never experienced before: mood swings. I have been sad, able to burst into tears for no particular reason, I’ve been angry, snappy and irritable. It’s been a nightmare. I’ve been a nightmare to live with, I think. I know I was irritable around 31 weeks last time, but this is crazy. Just today a woman in the parking lot confronted me for having parked her in, and I flew off the handle, asking her if it would make her life easier if I moved the car? But I wasn’t particularly nice about it, and in retrospect I’m horribly embarrassed and honestly have no idea what came over me. I’ve NEVER done that before.
A little later, Ameli was playing up in her car seat and I hollered at her – a full bellied yell. She was shocked, but no more than I was. Who am I? I can’t bare it!
Then there’s the sadness. It seems to be irrational, and really, I have a memory of being really down when I was pregnant with Ameli, but at the time I assumed that it had more to do with the untreated Hyperemesis Gravidarum than anything else. Now I’m starting to wonder if I have ante-natal depression. But anyway, it’s something I need to look into more.
On the positive side, we went to the hospital today, Ameli and I, for a Triple Test, where they draw blood from me to test for a likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. I’m not worried about Down’s at all, but the midwife wanted it and there are plenty of things I’m not willing to budge on as the pregnancy progresses, so I was happy to offer up a little blood.
While there I was told that I had been booked in for a scan, since we’ve not had one and since I’m on the cusp of 19 weeks, I decided to go for it as I wanted an anomaly scan anyway, since I’m on the Ondansetron and have read that there is a possibility of abnormalities from it.
It was wonderful. While I know there are concerns about ultrasounds, I have to admit that I find it amazing for bonding. I had early scans with Ameli and I really feel that it helped me bond and fall in love with her early on. I found the scan today to have the same effect. I saw you immediately, identified your brain, your heart, your legs, and then your beautiful fingers. You waved at us, and Ameli was very excited – although I don’t think she really saw it, she loved waving back at you. I loved your little hands, fluttering around inside me.
The scan was perfect. There’s nothing wrong with you. All your bits are in the right places, you have a beautiful strong heartbeat, and your internal organs are all there and doing their thing. Your head is measuring quite small, but again, I’m not too worried about that stuff. At the moment you’re lying breech, in other words your feet are down, but that was for today – you’re moving around and will move many more times and many more ways before the end.
The “books†say you’re around 15 cm long now and weighing around 200g. That’s about as big as your average sweet potato.
Well, gorgeous baby. I’m so happy to have seen you, and I’m now content that there’s nothing I need to worry about. I’m happy that we have no idea from the scan if you’re a boy or a girl – what a wonderful surprise, and I can’t wait till the next time I see you, and get to hold you.
Love you Squidgy.
Mommy
I feel your pain … I was the same way last pregnancy, and it’s shaping up to be the same this time. Unfortunately, this time my husband is also depressed, for different reasons. Can I say SUCKS!!?? I need someone to pick up the emotional slack, but it looks like I’m the closest thing right now.
I wish I knew of a treatment for this!
I’m so happy you found good results and bonding from the scan. The commenters above have some good advice for you. I think every pregnancy can be different. If you’re thinking ante-natal depression then start getting proactive about it. It’s just not worth any extra moments of discomfort with your emotions not to act on it. Get outside in the sunshine. Move your body. Eat and drink more regularly. Start saying no to things. Do more “want to” things and fewer “have to” things. And please get some support. You may not need it, but line it up anyway just in case. You and your babies all deserve to have a mama who gives enough to herself.
Oh, great news! I feel a bit envious, you know! I did not miss anything from my first pregnancy, but second time- totally different!
@Carolina J., lucky you! I was hoping this time would be different, but it doesn’t seem to be. Oh well… thanks for the comment!
Wonderful news! I’m glad it helped… maybe it helped with the moods, too. I’m sure time will tell. {{{hugs}}} Some days I have ZERO patience.
@Momma Jorje, Yeah. I empathise. I wish I had a glowing pregnancy, but alas. It’ll be over soon – for both of us 🙂
Just beautiful!!! Btw… One mom to another, being moody & difficult comes with the pregnancy….it’ll all be worth it in the end! Best wishes!
I was the same during pregnancy and its taken a while to calm down. My wee one is 6 months old and I am still having hot flushes.. although it did calm down a bit towards the end, apart from the tears, seriously even an advert could have me crying buckets! Glad to hear the scan went well!
I had the same crazy hormonal mood swings with my last pregnancy. LAST PREGNANCY. I cannot put myself, nor anyone else, through my moods again! I swear, my husband and son were afraid to breathe by the time I gave birth. Just the idea that you’re aware makes a difference. I had absolutely no clue I was acting like an idiot! It was like full-on PMS for nearly 9 months.
The good thing is that it went away almost immediately after I gave birth.
(Glad your scan turned out fine, too!)
@Alicia C., That’s crazy Alicia. Funnily enough, I have a friend who I know to be a nightmare in pregnancy and I always said there’s choice in the matter. Perhaps I was wrong! But as you say, at least I’m aware. I know I need to take a breath. Argh. This is my last two. I can’t put everyone through all this again either! Thanks for sharing!