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Dear Squidgy

I’m a bit apprehensive of writing this letter today. Thing is, I don’t want you to carry any guilt, or any negative feelings about your conception or pregnancy, so it would be easier not to tell you how I’m doing right now.  The truth of the matter, however, is that your sister, and maybe some day you, if you’re a girl, need to know about this illness, and need to know that it can happen to you too.

So, Mommy has this disease that only affects me when I’m pregnant. It’s something to do with hormones, and my body not liking the pregnancy hormones, and as they get stronger as you get bigger, I get sicker.

You're the size of a grape

This week I’ve been really very sick. I throw up every time I eat or drink anything, including water. I’ve gotten so weak, I’m hardly able to stand up sometimes, and can’t walk down the stairs without holding on tight. In fact, I collapsed walking up the stairs the other day.  It’s a terrible way to be, especially with a little girl to try to look after too.

I hit a bit of a low this week, not sure how I’m going to do another few weeks like this, and then your Oupa invited Ameli and me to come and visit them in South Africa, so they can look after Ameli while I look after you.  So, we’re going back next week, by when I’ll be 10 weeks pregnant (by LMP) but 8 by my calculations and if nothing else, I’m going to love having some sunshine on my skin again.

And also, compliments of HG, I’ve been to Australia with Ameli, and now South Africa with you, so it’s not all bad!

I have been taking tablets for the nausea, but they’re not working, so I’ve been given something else – tablets that cancer patients use for the nausea from chemotherapy – and while it’s regularly used in pregnancy, it’s never been tested in pregnant humans, which worries me slightly. And of course, while Google searches are my friend, and most people say they’ve used these pills and their kids are ‘fine’, there are some that say over use causes abnormalities in children. But no one seems to be able to tell me what ‘overuse’ is, so I’m both scared of these tablets, and desperately grateful for the 7 or so hours of relief they bring.

But it’s very sad, actually. I told Daddy that I’d love to have four children, but now I know that this is it for me. You are my last baby.  When I had that positive pregnancy test, that was my last positive  test. When I have my first scan, it will be my last first scan. When I feel your first kick, that will be my last first kick. And when I give birth to you, that will be my last birth. All of this, this whole ride we’re embarking on, it’s all our first, together, and my last.

That makes you just that little more special, my beautiful baby.

Love,

Mommy.

 

5 Comments

Pregnancy Week 7

  1. (gentle hugs)

    I was medicated through my pregnancy with Jenna, and though she is fine it barely took the edge off the sickness so I turned it down with my next pregnancy. I grieved through my pregnancy with Morgan, in certainty that I would never feel I could do it again with the hyperemesis, I *knew* she was my last. Through the first half of this pregnancy, I was torn between fantasising about miscarrying and fearing it. I have had only one pregnancy that I have not felt guilty about resenting and hurting and greiving (my sixth, Rowan’s bump days).

    It is HARD. You will live through it, because you are stronger than you can bear to believe. And you will find emotional healing in the love of that little person. xxx

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