I have a confession to make. I haven’t written much lately, not because I’ve not had anything to say to you, but because I’ve been so unfocused. My days have been filled with housework, paid work, Ameli, personal things, things and more things going on, occupying my mind, fighting for my attention and dragging me away from you.
I feel bad though, because you deserve to know everything. You deserve to know my hopes, my fears, and my life as it is right now, as I feel you kicking and squirming inside me.
You deserve to know that I treasure every bump, ever movement, and that I relish it with a bittersweet excitement. Bittersweet, because I want to hold on to that feeling, knowing that you’re the last baby I’ll feel squirming, and kicking. Excitement, because it’s a miraculous thing and I’m so thrilled by it. It brings a smile to my heart and my lips, no matter what else is going on in my head.
I haven’t had cravings, as such, but the last two weeks I’ve been eating Christmas Mince Pies and Love Hearts as though they were the last food in the world. And I use the word food lightly.Â I’ve been going crazy for Hazelnut Latte’s, but that’s nothing new â€“ I’ve always loved those, but for the first five months with you, wasn’t even able to say the words without wretching.
I’ve been eating chicken again for almost a week. We went to the Guy Fawkes fireworks last week and I liked the look of the hotdogs. I ate one and spent the rest of the night looking for the nearest bin â€“ horrible, horrible, but I’ve been eating chicken. Daddy’s so excited to have some meat back on the menu.
I’ve been cleaning. I can’t say I’ve had energy, and cleaning in this house is an entirely futile effort â€“ by the time I’ve cleaned one room, the next looks like we’ve been burgled, but the reality is that with little to no cleaning efforts over the last few months, it’s become a bit like living in a bio-hazard. Not cool.
Ameli has been talking about being a big sister a lot recently. She’s enthusiastic about it all. I don’t think she really gets it, honestly, but she likes saying she’s a big sister now. It’s very cute.
I bought you your first baby grow last week too. Very cute, blue with giraffes on, and something you can wear regardless of whether you’re a boy or girl.
We started Ameli at nursery last week, and while I’m not loving it, she enjoys going and talks about it regularly. I decided to let her go because I realised that you and I would have no one on one time, once you’re here, and at least this way you and I get two hours twice a week to do something together, just as I did with her.
I also started Aqua Natal this week â€“ water aerobics for pregnant ladies. It’s great fun and good for me. It gives me time to focus on you, and helps with the sciatica.Â I’m much bigger this time round, and showing a proper belly already, so the pain has definitely started too. My SPD is painful and the sciatica stops me from being able to get up if I’ve been on the floor. Â But, it’s a constant reminder of your presence -Â if the heartburn subsides for long enough for me to â€˜forget’.Â During pregnancy you’re not supposed to lose any hair, but I still do, and you’re supposed to have a clear complexion, and I don’t.Â But those are the bad things.
The good things include the fact that you move a lot when I sing Ameli to sleep at night.Â I think you may already have a favourite bed time song. That must be a good sign.Â I honestly hope you’re a better sleeper than your sister.
We’ll find out soon enough, Squidgy, won’t we?
I’m so excited to see what the next few months hold for you and me.
Love you Baby.